Birthday with Buds!

So last night was my 29th Birthday. Festivities started a little later than anticipated, but much fun was had. As two of my best buds in the world went out with me to hear Doug Segree (who was nice enough to sing me Happy Birthday) down at Acme for a little bit! We then proceeded to E's house for some Texas Hold 'Em, where upon Mary came out with EVERYTHING! I came out with a cool brown sweater!! (Which I promised to return to the owner, unlike the adidas sweatshirt i have had of theirs for 4+ years now!)

So Big E, Mary, Tony and myself had a funfilled evening of laughs, music, and poker fun! I thoroughly enjoyed the evening. I was feeling very much like this would be another typical birthday earlier in the day, because all of my friends are either out of town, broke, or busy with family obligations this close to Christmas. So I was pleasantly surprised to have ended up out with friends! It was good times! I must say that I am extremely excited and optimistic for this 29th year of my life. I am certain great things will happen this year. This will be the year that my whole life changes!!! I am certain of that!

So....Happy Birthday to me! Good friends, good times!

stuff

there are so many emotions that run thru a person in the course of a day. some days i feel like i have run the gammet of emotions before it is noon. it's the hard ones that are kicking my butt right now. u know the ones i mean. the ones that u have to take over to God as soon as u have them, or they will manifest into bad situations. i am often confronted witha very judgemental personality, and the mere fact that i am saying that says that i am in a sense judging them as well. is it judging to state a fact when time and consistency has shown thru behavior that a certain individual is judgemental with others to a severity at times that makes me quite uncomfortable. why is it ok in today's society for a person to determine in their own mind, the way another should behave, speak, dress, or do any manner of things in their life? obviously we are meant to have some amount of general respect for others as to not be offensive or to cause others to stumble, but at what point do people catch on to the fact that we are all made different and act different, because if we were all the same, it would be such a boring world. when do people grow out of the mindset of telling people "you're ok, as long as you are like me and do what i think is right?" PEOPLE...we do not have a heaven or hell to send people to, so stop acting like you do. u sit upon judgement of no one. the only actions u are accountable for, are your own. so remove your logs and stop looking for any spec or splinter you can find. blah, blah, blah....

on to much happier topics... Christmas was a beautiful sight. it is such a joy to see kids faces on Christmas morning. the excitement and joy is beautiful. even more beautiful is when they tell u the real reason they are getting gifts and what the most precious gift they have ever been given is. it was exciting! i will write more later. i just realized how late it is, and that since it is my 29th birthday...maybe staying up til 3am needs to be cut back to....say...2:30!!! oh well! i'll write more later. time for some shut eye! good night world!

the incomparable Missy Tate

Vida Lea Tate

Vida Lea "Missy" Tate, an entrepreneur, educator and former Christian recording artist, died Dec. 18 at Anne Arundel Medical Center after a long illness. A resident of Annapolis for 51 years, she was 62.

Mrs. Tate was born March 28, 1948, in Philadelphia, Pa., the daughter of the late Navy Rear Adm. William P. Stephens and Hilda Ozell Spears Stephens. Adm. Stephens was a physician who later had a private practice in Annapolis on Cornhill Street. She graduated in 1961 from Annapolis High School and attended Peabody Conservatory in Baltimore until 1963.

In 1972, she founded and operated the Weems Creek Nursery School and Kindergarten. She also founded and was the owner of Arundel Super Skate on Route 50 from 1979 to 1988.

In 1982, she founded and continued to operate Missy Tate Ministries. She was a Christian Gospel recording artist on Star Song Records in Nashville, Tenn., from 1982 to 1995, and was involved in senior citizen outreach nationwide. Weekly she sang hymns for and with senior citizens in local nursing homes, and she appeared on "Focus on the Family" as a guest.

Mrs. Tate was a member of the Evangelical Presbyterian Church of Annapolis. She enjoyed composing Christian music, singing, travel, cooking and spending time with family.

Surviving are her husband, retired Air Force Brig. Gen. Vernon R. "Rod" Tate, whom she married March 17, 1962; two sons, Vernon R. Tate Jr. and William P. Tate of Annapolis; two daughters, Elizabeth D. Jowett of Yorktown, Va., and Hilda M. Tate Riith of Annapolis; one brother, John D. Stephens of Annapolis; one sister, Sarah E. Main of Davidsonville; and eight grandchildren.

so hard

so i went to the funeral this morning. i had forgotten how much they take out of a person. it is so hard to see the family in so much pain. a husband after 43 years of marriage will wake up tomorrow, and especially Sunday on Christmas, without his wife..."his life mate." One of the most distinguished gentleman I have ever known, who has run the gauntlet of highest military ranks, to working at the pentagon, to working with presidents, and inventing things we can't remember living without to a man who was shaken so much internally, that maybe for the first time in years, it showed externally. his wife was such a beautiful woman. her life is an example we should all aspire to attain qualities from. although she would be the first to tell you, they aren't her qualities, they are qualities that she relies on the Lord for. this woman spent every morning of her life with the Lord. EVERY MORNING. no sick days. no "i woke up late and don't have time." she spent every morning with Him. hearing one of her children read from her Bible and her journal today, was so touching and gut wrenching at the same time. He read from her entry from about 10 days ago where she was even thanking the Lord for her illness and the closeness to Him. she thanked him for her ability to make it thru the days feeling a little stronger each day.

i don't think it was by accident that Missy died around Christmas. her favorite holiday, due to the celebration of Christ's birth. Every year til this one, her family has held elaborate Christmas parties. anyone and everyone attended these parties. presidents, mayors, govenors, heads of state, celebrities...etc. the parties were so warm and friendly. the house was always beautifully decorated. people were flowing from one room to another. you never knew who you were going to meet or run into at these parties. it was a highlight of every year. and Missy was the belle of the ball. always a smile. always warm words. the light of the Lord poured out of this woman. she traveled all over the country, to nursing homes, just to sing and brighten the days of the elderly. she earned recognitions from some of the most well known Christian figures of today. she didn't ever boast or gloat about any of that tho. you would never know unless you heard it or read about it yourself. she changed the Kingdom. in doing so she changed the world. if we all could only say that at the end of our lives.

there were so many things that brought up so many emotions today. i am not quite ready to process them all, so i will end this here. the funeral was a beautiful testimony, to a beautiful woman, who is now sitting with her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Life Lessons

this is a good story. check it out.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/usatoday/20051221/cm_usatoday/apricelessgiftyourlifestory

randomness

so many things going thru my head right now, that the only logical thing to do is to write them all out!

as much as i disagree with the idea of human cloning, right now, i wish there was three of me. or maybe four. if only it were possible to be in more than one place at a time. soooo much to do and just one me!

they call here looking for information on you. expecting me to know...and i don't. that makes me so sad. how do i explain? who's gonna explain it to me first?

it's hard knowing the right thing to do and not wanting to do it.

it's hard to understand why u wouldn't want to do something if u knew it was the right thing to do.

how can one person be so self-centered, that they can think so little of a person, and yet if they need something from that person, they act as if they think higher of the person?

why is it easier to withdraw into safety than to put yourself out there and risk...?

how can one person know u so well...and yet the very things u wish they understood...they don't even have a glimpse of? why is communication so hard sometimes?

why is it i can know the answers to some of these questions...and still ponder them?

aaaahhhhh! time to turn the brain off for the evening.

when someone dies

it is so sad when someone dies around the holidays. it somehow seems to taint the holiday for years to come for family and friends. the words are often so hard to find, especially when it is unexpected. i have a funeral to go to on Friday. i am certain that she is in heaven, which is a comfort to know. so friday will come, and there will be people there i haven't seen in quite some time. we will all be glad to see each other, we will want to catch up. but it will have taken someone leaving us, to get us all together. what does that say. why is it we can care so much about people and yet allow life and the hustle and bustle of things get in the way. why is it so easy to slip in and out of contact with people you truly care about. why do we allow the meaningless things in our life take away from the things that truly mean something. how can we sit idly by and watch our lives just pass us. today is the day to make our lives count. make our lives meaningful. today is the day to sieze and experience every moment we possibly can. who knows if we get to have another.

the would be present that won't be

the would be "my size bike" that has been talked about for almost 3 years! alas, the present was nixed... so sad :( they even asked about it today.... i don't think they have gone a week without mentioning it.... one day maybe.

feeling the love

feeling the love from everyone that wants me to stay on myspace...but still i must go. if i wasn't convicted before church yesterday to cut out all the non-essential things in my life, and all the things that are not fruitful in my life....i am definitely convicted now. we are all here for such a short time. how can we spend time doing the things that take away from our lives, or that keep us from doing the things we are meant to do. there is a specific purpose in our lives that we are all to fulfill. nothing can change the fact that God has created us for His plans, His purposes, for our good and His glory. with that said...why spend time doing things like myspace, when we could be spending more time with Him, doing things He wants us to do, or searching ourselves for the ways that we need to become more like Him. so much of our time is consumed by things we feel like we have to do to be in "the scene" or up on the latest trends, tv shows, or movies.

i spent the weekend watching my friend's children. while talking with the avid reader who is 16 years old, i asked him the question, how many times have you read through the Lord of the Rings books? he said he had lost count it has been so many times. then i asked how many times he had read through the Bible all the way through, and he said never. i then proposed the question, which do u think will be more beneficial to you and your life. he answered the Bible.

don't get me wrong here. i can not say that i have read every passage of the Bible. I most likely haven't. even thru all of school and all these years after having been saved, i still have not read it straight thru.

why is it, that we all know we are sinners, sick and in need of healing, and we so often make times in our lives for everything and everyone other than the One that can truly help us. we need to allow Jesus to be our counselor, docotor, and confidant. why go to mere humans, when the One with ALL the right answers, ALL the time, is right there waiting for us to come to Him. He is waiting with arms wide open, waiting to love us into who we are meant to be. it won't be easy. it will most likely be painful and sacrificial at times. but there is nothing in the world like it. in His presence we will feeling the love we are meant to feel. the love that surpasses all other. the love that will change us and the world. i'm feeling the love now people... and it is in my space with Him!!! love to u all!

girls want a fight

below is the blog i posted earlier on myspace. what follows is new thoughts regarding the subject...

girls want a fight

why is it girls want guys to fight for them? they want a guy that is willing to do whatever it takes to be with her. it's the whole damsel in distress, when not in distress thing. they want a guy that loves her so much that he would be as husbands are called to be in scripture, laying down their lives as Christ laid His down for the church. we seem to be caught in this mindset sometimes that makes us feel like their is something wrong with us, if the guy doesn't do that. why is that? is our self worth wrapped up in how much a guy is willing to do to win our hearts and our hands? and then what do we do if we have aided in their mindset to not fight for us. it's the whole shoot yourself in the foot syndrome. we sometimes sabatoge the best things in our lives because we are scared to get hurt again, scared to not be able to trust again, scared to let someones choice of whether we are worth fighting for or not, determine the rest of our lives. fear is an ugly thing. basing your self worth on what someone else is or isn't willing to do to win you is an ugly thing. how is it that so many women take something as beautiful as true love, and let fear turn it into something so ugly?

while i can relate so much in some ways to the situation that made these thoughts cross my mind, and pour out some of my own feelings above, i can not understand allowing anyone other than God determine your worth at any given moment. afterall it is where are heart is now, at this moment with Him. that is what He is concerned about..... wow....just had an epiphany there...He is concerned with everyone's heart at this moment. not in the past moments where they have made mistakes or fallen away. He is here in the moment. i need to think and pray about this now. write more later.

~we women sure do make things so much more complex than they need to be sometimes. we tend to make a mess of things too, purely based on emotions. sometimes that is. i really understand the wanting someone who is willing to fight for you mindset. you want to believe that there is one person out there who is willing to do anything to show you their love, devotion, committment, and overall desire for your well being to be looked after. we want to know that no matter what comes our way in life that we can count on that one person to do whatever necessary, or whatever is in their ability, to love us to the best of their ability. even when we screw up. even when we make things so much harder than they have to be sometimes. even when we let our emotions dictate more things than they should.

we want to have enough faith in our significant other's integrity that we know regardless of where they are, and what they are doing, we know that it is not damaging to us or our relationship with them. more importantly we want to know that no matter what, they are willing to do whatever is right by God first and foremost, so that we are able to have certainty in the knowledge that they will do right by us. so what happens when one of us falls? because that is going to happen. at some point or another we are going to let each other down. at what point do we know whether that sin that was committed, was indicative of our security in their integrity? i am certain that the only real answer to that question can come from God. He will let us know when the other person is able to carry the responsibility and accountability for us and our families. the problem we as women often run into, especially those of us that have had failed relationships in the past and even possibly issues from the current relationship, is that we can let emotions cloud our discernment and our decisions. it's scary that one ounce of fear or mistrust can alter one's entire life. it's even scarrier when we feel like Abraham giving up Isaac before the Lord as a sacrifice. we wonder if He will really be taking that person from us, or whether it is just for a season until He is finished doing whatever it is with them, to be sure that they are prepared or that we are where we need to be for them as well. preparation is so hard sometimes though... but that is another topic all together.

all i know is, i want a guy who will fight for me. who will love me so much that he is willing to fight through anything to be with me. even if that means fighting through my fears to show me what true love is. i want my prince in shining armor!

this would be so much easier if women were not so emotionally based all the time. like if we could turn a switch and be as logical as men sometimes, i think it would be a great help to us! not that we don't use logic, just mine is sometimes overridden by emotion. that's all.

disclaimer: to any and all feminists that read this... i am sure you feel like i have just set u back a couple decades. i am sure u would like an apology... unfortunately that won't be happening. i am telling it the way God created us to be. we are not less than men. we are equals. we are just created differently. that's all. we are all heirs to the same Kingdom. we all have the same Father. We just have to remember that He had a specific purpose for creating us the way He did. i for one, am thankful that He did. even if i think sometimes men have traits i wish i could obtain!

with that said....Good Night everyone. God bless.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

Christmas Cookies and Pillow Fights

Tis the season to play with children and let them have lots of silly fun! So tonight these four youngins made Christmas cookies with me and then partook of a fun filled 45 minute pillow fight! those little buggers can swing! they aren't so good at stayin on their feet when they get hit though!! They laughed non stop, even on their ways to the floor! There was of course the occasional "accidental" injury. You know, the usual a couple of hits to the face, a bit tongue, near miss of a head straight into the corner of the bunk bed, along with all sorts of other non life threatening slight injuries! Nothing like toughing them up while they're young!! Those kids really took on Ms. Beverly and tried their best to get her good, but I don't think they were a match for her yet. Not that they weren't determined to try until the very end though! This bottom picture is of when Shaylah was too upset about having gotten hurt again that she couldn't even smile for a picture. So Samantha and I joined her with frowning faces for the camera. Don't we look pitiful! So lots of fun was had. No trips needed to the ER. It was a good night!

There is lots more going through my head right now....might write more later....might not!

crash

did u see the movie crash? it starts out stating that the only way people in LA really interact with each other is when there is a car accident. some people have these epiphanies when they are in accidents. some have only one thought that continuously goes through their head for what seems an eternity. some picture a wide array of split moment photographic memories from their life's story. what isn't often talked about, is how long those seemingly fleeting emotions and or memories stay with you after the accident. they don't tell you that those can come crashing into your life with as much force as the car that just slammed into you. isn't it strange how just a few brief moments can alter your life.
i was in a car accident.
my life has been altered.

devotion

so for my devotional today i decided to pray and watch The Passion of Christ. this only being the third time i have seen it, i believe that it is probable that one could watch the movie over and over and get something new from it each time.

today there were two things that really stood out and made me think about how they can relate to my life and what we can learn from some of the last moments of Jesus' life. the first was when Jesus was about to get up from having fallen with His cross. He holds onto His cross like an angel coming to rescue Him. Embracing it, knowing that the end was near and He would be home soon. that His mission, the purpose of His life was to be fulfilled in these moments. a thief on his way to be crucified next to Jesus remarks and says "why do You embrace Your cross."

this comment affected me in a somewhat strange way today. we all have a cross to carry. some have a harder one than others. but just the same, we all have our own cross to carry through our lives, towards the destiny and plan that God has for us in our life. but how many of us "embrace" that cross. do we hold onto it tightly. trying to learn everything we possibly can from what He is trying to teach us. do we embrace the pain as well as the joy when things don't go the way we want. do we choose to grow from that pain, or do we just allow it to exist within us? when the load seems heavy, to we persevere, or do we fall under the weight? do we choose to pick the cross up everyday, or only when we feel like it? can we see our circumstances as God sending us what we need to become what we are meant to become, or to we quickly turn our focus away and onto other more mundane things that can occupy or time and abilities?

that moment when Jesus embraces that cross, an expression of relief comes over His face. an expression of thankfulness and purpose. He held onto it as if it was medicine to ease the pain. how much of our states can be controlled by our minds, and what we tell ourselves. what great adversities we can overcome when we take on the proper perspective. it's time to get up and walk. it's time to carry our cross every moment. embracing it in everyway we can. if He could carry that load for us, we can carry ours for Him.

the other moment that struck me was when Simon is asked to help Jesus carry the cross, he adamantly states that he wants it to be clear that he is an innocent man carrying the cross of a condemned man. what a statement at that moment. when it is the exact opposite that is going on. Jesus is the only One to have ever lived on earth that was free of sin, and not condemned to hell for sins He committed. We are all born sinners, saved only by grace and through faith in Jesus' life and resurrection. We are all condemned and He was the only one that could give us eternal life. Jesus' cross was each and everyone of our sins. He fell under the weight of our sins while carrying that cross. with each sin we willingly committ, we add another splinter, another swing of the hammer to His cross. we crucify Him afresh almost with each sin of our own volition. how can we get it installed into our heads that each time we make those wrong choices we are being the reason He had to suffer so greatly. what will it take so that there is a permanent filter in our brains that lets us know when we have lost our senses and are about to do something sinful.

everything that He went thru, He did for each one of us. it still amazes me to think that if i was the only person on the planet, that He still would have given His life for mine. me, the sinner that i am. He died for all those things that i have done. they crucified Him, but i helped give God a reason for that to be needed. i have so far to go. so very far to go.

my time with Him awakened something in me today. a drive i thought i had lost for a while. a passion for aspects of my life that i have let go on the back burner for other things. it is time to no longer be passive. it is time to go after all this life has to offer, and do whatever i can, to live life to the fullest. the past is the past. i am walking towards my future, with the intent on running towards it very soon. i pray that God will continue to lead me. that He will protect me from the secular world as well as from His followers, that don't heed to Him. i pray that all those that i love are safe and surrounded by Him and His angels. i pray that all conflicts will be resolved quickly, and that the reasons things have happened the way they have will be revealed. i pray that the truth that always comes to light, that it will do so quickly, effectively, and without any negative repercussions. i pray that God's will be done in my life, and that i will truly embrace my cross everyday. Lord, please teach me what i need to learn from my cross today. your daughter and servant.

writing into the abyss!

so this is my first "journal" blog. it's been a long day. it's been a long month! i stayed up late last night, mopping and doing laundry. til 2:30am. the house is just so peaceful in the wee hours of the morning. not like the rest of the day. it seems like there is always someone here, or stopping by, or the phone is ringing, or there is work to be done. no time to breathe lately. not that i have been able to catch my breath for sometime now. i feel like i left my heart outside of my body, and now i am just going through the motions. there is a lot i wish to say, there is a lot i am hesitant to say. but i should write as if this is just going out into the great abyss of the world wide web!

so here goes. i am learning all sorts of things about myself right now. i am passive sometimes when i feel like i am doing what Jesus would do, when in actuallity i am just allowing others to use me or treat me in unacceptable manners. i can't stand the fact that there are people with severe controlling tendencies, that are so focused on controlling situations and other people just to avoid the things that are going on within themselves. i can't stand that i don't talk back when those people are talking out there butt, because i think that i would be sinning if i said to them what i really thought. the devil loves a loose tongue...and sometimes i want to let it loose, but choose not to, because of the damage it would do and the foothold i would give satan. so i take the abuse and say nothing. there is a better way. i am learning that. it is taking awhile though. and during this transition, the ones that i need to stand up to are not liking that i am not being the doormat that they have gotten accustomed to. i have learned that sometimes the best way to show them the position they have put you in, is to put them in the same situation to mirror it to them. in a positive way though. seems to have worked a little. why are people so determined to point out all the flaws in other people and totally ignore the ones within themselves. remove the log in your eye before the splinter out of your brother's eye. right? so who am i to point out flaws in someone else. who am i to judge anyone. i don't have a heaven or hell to send someone to, so how can i pass judgement? how can they? enough about that.

random brainstorming.... it's cold outside. Christmas is almost here, and so much to do. anticipation is building. there are so many people to write to and see. i wish i could gather all the friends of my life into one building for one night and tell them all so much of the things that go through my head. i miss him. there is so much i wanted to say. so much he didn't know. time has stood still in some ways. how can that be. it feels like forever. it feels like yesterday. never able to say goodbye. it's cold now. i miss your smile. your jokes. your laughter. it was so much easier when i didn't get attached to people. it was so much easier when i knew people wouldn't always be there. i guess i had convinced myself that i wasn't that way anymore. i never pictured this. the thoughts that must go through my head don't ever have answers. they never cease though. being ok with the fact that they are unanswered is something i have come to terms with. i wish God would give me a step by step instruction to my life. i wish that i would know better than to ever sin again. i pray that the meaning for everything that has happened would be revealed to me. i pray for patience. i pray for grace and mercy. i pray for understanding from human minds that cannot even fathom a fraction of what You have planned for us. it's sooo cold. i can see my breath outside...i just can't feel it.