writing into the abyss!

so this is my first "journal" blog. it's been a long day. it's been a long month! i stayed up late last night, mopping and doing laundry. til 2:30am. the house is just so peaceful in the wee hours of the morning. not like the rest of the day. it seems like there is always someone here, or stopping by, or the phone is ringing, or there is work to be done. no time to breathe lately. not that i have been able to catch my breath for sometime now. i feel like i left my heart outside of my body, and now i am just going through the motions. there is a lot i wish to say, there is a lot i am hesitant to say. but i should write as if this is just going out into the great abyss of the world wide web!

so here goes. i am learning all sorts of things about myself right now. i am passive sometimes when i feel like i am doing what Jesus would do, when in actuallity i am just allowing others to use me or treat me in unacceptable manners. i can't stand the fact that there are people with severe controlling tendencies, that are so focused on controlling situations and other people just to avoid the things that are going on within themselves. i can't stand that i don't talk back when those people are talking out there butt, because i think that i would be sinning if i said to them what i really thought. the devil loves a loose tongue...and sometimes i want to let it loose, but choose not to, because of the damage it would do and the foothold i would give satan. so i take the abuse and say nothing. there is a better way. i am learning that. it is taking awhile though. and during this transition, the ones that i need to stand up to are not liking that i am not being the doormat that they have gotten accustomed to. i have learned that sometimes the best way to show them the position they have put you in, is to put them in the same situation to mirror it to them. in a positive way though. seems to have worked a little. why are people so determined to point out all the flaws in other people and totally ignore the ones within themselves. remove the log in your eye before the splinter out of your brother's eye. right? so who am i to point out flaws in someone else. who am i to judge anyone. i don't have a heaven or hell to send someone to, so how can i pass judgement? how can they? enough about that.

random brainstorming.... it's cold outside. Christmas is almost here, and so much to do. anticipation is building. there are so many people to write to and see. i wish i could gather all the friends of my life into one building for one night and tell them all so much of the things that go through my head. i miss him. there is so much i wanted to say. so much he didn't know. time has stood still in some ways. how can that be. it feels like forever. it feels like yesterday. never able to say goodbye. it's cold now. i miss your smile. your jokes. your laughter. it was so much easier when i didn't get attached to people. it was so much easier when i knew people wouldn't always be there. i guess i had convinced myself that i wasn't that way anymore. i never pictured this. the thoughts that must go through my head don't ever have answers. they never cease though. being ok with the fact that they are unanswered is something i have come to terms with. i wish God would give me a step by step instruction to my life. i wish that i would know better than to ever sin again. i pray that the meaning for everything that has happened would be revealed to me. i pray for patience. i pray for grace and mercy. i pray for understanding from human minds that cannot even fathom a fraction of what You have planned for us. it's sooo cold. i can see my breath outside...i just can't feel it.