Day 2

so i awoke to the interesting melody arising from my stomach! what a reminder of the necessity for God first thing everyday. i was reading today about another woman's ideas of fasting being like pregnancy and giving birth. how the physical changes occur, often with pain, but the end result is this beautiful, amazing gift from God. while the certainty of being blessed by such a gift is inspirational to give this fast my all, the duration and "stretching" that will occur seems a little daunting.

i have been prompted by the Lord to become completely vulnerable about all these experiences on here. not something in my comfort zone all the way. many years ago as a teenager i would write down poetry, and every thought in my journals. until the day that i discovered that not only had they been read by my one of my parents, but that they had made xerox copies of them. i felt so betrayed that it crushed me. after several hours in tears, i burned the copies, picked up the ashes out of the metal trash can and put them back in the large envelopes that had contained them, and placed them back where i had found them. needless to say, i was devestated, angry, and feeling completely unprotected. i feel like the Lord has moved me to be as completely real and open as i go thru this fast. to place myself at such a vulnerable position in front of some of the people who mean the most to me in the world is quite terrifying to me. that fear of rejection and betrayal is not one the Lord wishes me to continue to carry. it is hard for me to even admitt that they are present. i know this is because the roots are buried deep and need to be cut down and removed like the fig tree the doesn't bear fruit. it is natural for any child to want and need for their family to care for and protect them. to want that encouragement, acceptance, and validation. when the people that by birth, are supposed to give you those things don't, it becomes unthinkable that anyone else would. how easy it seems to walk through this life self reliant. how easy it seems to go through life without being completely vulnerable to people. to keep yourself tucked away, even if it is just part of you, so that no one can really do crushing harm.

so here it is... i have a place that very few have touched. where i go internally and tell myself that no matter what happens, i will be just fine. no matter who or what is in my life, i will make sure that i do whatever i need to and that i will live if they decide at some point to leave. i protect myself...light bulb moment here. i was just thinking of someone who told me that they were the way they were because they are trying to protect themselves, and that hurt me to hear. how horrid it is to think that i have aided someone in feeling the same way i have felt for years. especially when it is someone i have let into my world completely. oh Father, please forgive me for wounding one of Your children. i am so sorry. Lord, please do not allow there to be anything in me that would allow that to ever happen again. i will fast as long as needed for u to sift this and anything else out of me that would do harm to others. Lord, i beg of you to show me the things in me that need removal. no matter how wretched it seems. i am so sorry Lord. please do not allow that wound to remain in them as it has in me. please lead me in what to do to reconcile this wrong. ... (these thoughts would typically not be shared on here, but the Lord has prompted me to be completely open to whomever might read, so...)

so here i am Lord. use your sieve on me and refine me. keep showing me all that i need to see to become more like You. forgive me for the areas where i have fallen. let these tears cleanse and open my eyes. i am Yours to do with as You will.