Day 9

There seems to be so much going on internally these last couple of days, that it is very easy for me to stay in that place of introspection, and not post. I will try to journal here as well, as much as possible.

I went out for the first time really since being in SC last night. A friend had come thru town and we all went out. It was good to be in conversation with someone in front of me rather than just via the phone, which has been the majority of my conversations lately! The kids had a good time, and we went to see a movie that I had wanted to see for awhile. It was the story of Vince Papale becoming a Philadelphia Eagle. (for those friends who tease me about liking sports, that is a football team!)

It is your typical story of a no name, under dog going after his dreams, using the God given gifts he had been given, and fulfilling a calling on his life. So often we push aside our dreams, and have a failure mentality. We don't see anyway that our dreams could actually come true. We forget though, that the Lord knows our dreams long before we do. He knows what we are capable of doing, and what we aren't capable of doing, He can provide us with. Vince was 30 before his dream of playing for the Eagles came true. How many others see 30 and say there is so much I should have done by now, but it is too late. Too late for who? Or is that just an easy excuse to not go after all that you feel called to do in this life. Make a promise to yourself to go after whatever it is you have always wanted to do, and do it. Don't do it unless you are really committed to following through with the promise though. So often people make promises to ourselves, and even to God and do not fulfill them. It is better to be uncertain, than to committ to something and not follow through.

ECC 5:4 When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. 5 It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it.

When we are moved to make a vow before God, it usually entails something that is impossible for us to accomplish without Him. It usually reveals our weakness, and our dependence on Him. Why not come to Him with the really big stuff? When we see His hand in the lesser things so evident, why not ask for and trust Him with the greatness of our callings and desires. If we were to make things happen in our own will power, what need of Christ would we have. Where would His glory shine in the story of our life if we could force our destiny into occurrence?

So what do we do? We come to terms of what we really want out of life? We realize our dreams, seek out our callings, and vow before God with our whole heart to follow that dream and lean on His strength to see it achieved. We give Him all the glory, for without Him, none of it would ever be possible. We choose at whatever age we are, that this is the year to go out for the team.

To steal a line from the movie: Tommy: Even if you're down there for an hour, you're down there.

How many of us would give up a life of mediocrity, for one hour of being completely what God has called us to be? How many are ready to get up off those uncomfortable sideline benches?

God is holding open try-outs, are you going?

Spiritual Gifts

"And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ." Eph 4:11-12 (NKJV)


The office of the Prophet is different than the gift of Prophecy.


The spiritual gift of Prophecy is found in spiritual Gifts.


1 Now concerning spiritual gifts, brethren, I do not want you to be ignorant:


2 You know that you were Gentiles, carried away to these dumb idols, however you were led.


3 Therefore I make known to you that no one speaking by the Spirit of God calls Jesus accursed, and no one can say that Jesus is Lord except by the Holy Spirit.


4 There are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit.


5 There are differences of ministries, but the same Lord.


6 And there are diversities of activities, but it is the same God who works all in all.


7 But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to each one for the profit of all:


8 for to one is given the word of wisdom through the Spirit, to another the word of knowledge through the same Spirit,


9 to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healings by the same Spirit,


10 to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy,

to another discerning of spirits, to another different kinds of

tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues.


11 But one and the same Spirit works all these things,

distributing to each one individually as He wills.


1 Cor 12:1-11 (NKJV)


Pro`phet´ic
a. 1. Containing, or pertaining to, prophecy; foretelling events; as, prophetic writings; prophetic dreams; - used with of before the thing foretold.

Proph´e`cy
n. 1. A declaration of something to come; a foretelling; a prediction; esp., an inspired foretelling. 2. (Script.) A book of prophecies; a history; 3. Public interpretation of Scripture; preaching; exhortation or instruction.

Proph´e`sy
proph·e·sied, (-sd) proph·e·sy·ing, (-sng) proph·e·sies (-sz)
v. 1. To reveal by divine inspiration. 2. To predict with certainty as if by divine inspiration. 3. The function or vocation of a prophet; specifically: the inspired declaration of divine will and purpose.

v. intr. 1. To reveal the will or message of God. 2. To predict the future as if by divine inspiration. 3. To speak as a prophet as a mediator between God and humankind or in God's stead. 4. Archaic. to teach religious subjects.

Proph´et
n. 1. One who prophesies, or foretells events; a predicter; a foreteller. 2. One inspired or instructed by God to speak in his name, or announce future events, as, Moses, Elijah, etc. 3. An interpreter; a spokesman. 4. (Zool.) A mantis. School of the prophets (Anc. Jewish Hist.) a school or college in which young men were educated and trained for public teachers or members of the prophetic order. These students were called sons of the prophets.

Proph´et´ess
n. 1. A woman who speaks by divine inspiration or as the interpreter through whom the will of a God is expressed. 2. A woman predictor; a woman soothsayer. 3. The chief spokeswoman of a movement or cause.

Se´er
v. 1. One that sees an invertebrate seer of sights. 2. Clairvoyant, visionary, illusionist. n. 3. A prophet. 4 a: one that predicts events or developments b: a person credited with extraordinary moral and spiritual insight or knowledge; a wise person or sage who possesses intuitive powers c: one to whom divine revelations are made

Day 6 & 7

The last two days have seemed very long! The fast has definitely taken a lot of energy out of me the last couple of days. I have definitely been leaning on the Lord! He is so gracious to always meet the need too. I have spent a lot of time in prayer these last couple of days. Things have arisen with Samantha's shunt that I am uncertain about. This is on top of some other uncertainty in situations, and I feel as if the enemy is trying to steal my peace. The only thing that makes me want to do though, is get even closer to my Father! He will guide me, not my circumstance. He will see to all our hurts, and all our needs. I am completely confident that He always has things with Samantha under control! After all, she is my little miracle child, but first she is His little miracle child.

Some of the profound revelations I have been having this past week, seem life altering. I sit before the Lord and feel like I have soooooo much to learn. I do have sooooo much to learn. I feel the Lord's hand on me in a way I have never felt before, and I am so excited about what He is doing. There really and truly is a time coming for unity in the body of Christ. We are all going to be brothers and sisters of one family, with the head of the family directing our paths. We will see the face of the Kingdom change in our days in ways most never dreamed of. He will pour out on His people all that is needed in the last days. It is time for us to get on our faces before the Lord and learn. Learn all we can about who He is and who we are in Him. To wake up everyday and ask what do You want of me today Lord? What would You have me to do? Where are You moving me today? What is on Your heart Lord?

Our Father wants to share so much with us. All we need do is ask. He will show us. Amos 3:7 He does nothing without sharing it with His friends, the prophets! Are we listening? Are we really seeking His face and His voice? Or do we just want to hear about what He is doing out there as opposed to paying attention to who He actually is and what we are because of Him.

Day 5

It's the end of Day 5! Only 35 more to go!! That seems like such a large number right now. Strangely enough, I have not found it too difficult today. I was definitely tired today, but after exercising and doing a lot of manual labor for the majority of the day, I would've been tired anyway!

I have discovered that point where there seems to be more clarity in normal things though. I seemed to be more in tune with what the Lord is saying in the littlest things. Sometimes, they are not so little though. Like this morning I had the thought forgive your debtors come to mind. I knew immediately what it was in reference to, and realized while I never expected to get that money back, I had somehow used it in my head to rationalize other things, whether it be a view point or whatever. It also struck me funny to think about how quickly we are willing to forgive some, and not others. I am honestly still processing through what the Lord brought up in this area and will write more about it later.

The Lord has been bringing a lot of things to the surface for me. Things I hadn't thought about it a long time, areas I need improvement on, things I need to focus more attention to, and in general a more deliberate life style. If we are called to a certain life, shouldn't we make as concerted an effort as possible to live everyday with that goal in mind. "Why put off til tomorrow things that can be done today!" How much time we seem to waste these days.

We are the lucky ones. We are the ones that live in a country where worshipping God is permissable. We are lucky to be in the Kingdom! We are lucky that we have an everlasting hope. We are the ones that so often take that for granted. Let us worship Him completely. Let us dance before Him for all those that can't. Let us praise His holy name in the streets! Let us give Him great thanks and praise for all that we have, that we most certainly didn't deserve!

Day 4

Day 4 is complete! The fast only had a slight effect on me today. A little dizzines for just a very brief moment or two. What knocked the wind out of me today was watching some the shows on 9/11 and the recanting of stories of survivors. One gentleman was on the floor where the plane struck, and he watched it as it flew towards them. He said "Lord, help me cause I can't do anything." The wing stopped 20 feet from his desk that he was hiding under. He doesn't know what prompted him to say it, he just remembers saying it out loud. It is almost unthinkable to imagine being in his position in those moments. Or those of the fire fighters who ran into the buildings. They ran in to save people they had never met before. To save people from certain death, knowing that their life is on the line as well.

Isn't this what our Savior did for us as well. Until The Passion of the Christ came out though, we just couldn't see it on the big screen. Imagine having world wide communication back then, and seeing what happened take place before your very eyes. How different would life be? If we saw what he willingly did for us, like what they willingly did for them. He chose to walk to Calvary. He chose to allow them to scourge Him. He chose to take up that cross. He chose these things because He loved us. He chose this so that we would not have certain death. He ran towards us with love and compassion, as the fire fighters did 5 years ago.

A friend of mine was first on the scene at the Pentagon, and retold a story of seeing a man still sitting at his desk, he was in such a state of shock. The plane had ripped his office in half and there were flames all around, and he was frozen in place. He had to be rescued.

What will it take for so many to realize that their rescuer has already come for them. He like the 343 that perished, chose to fight for us, so that others may live. How can we not cherish what precious time we have with one another. It is so sacred. So many lost their lives that day. Entire families gone. Mothers, Fathers, sisters, brothers, sons, daughters, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and friends all lost their lives, and their friends and families lost them. We take so much for granted. Let us live our lives to the fullest, for those that are no longer here living. Let us run towards life, embracing it, grasping at it with both hands. Let us live great lives, realizing that in a blink it could all be gone.

I lost one of my best friends that year. 5 years have gone by of a life that I have the ability to live fully. I have so many memories formed, and those yet to be formed. How can I not choose to live my life going after what is really important with as much courage, strength, and fervor as those 343 firemen. Are the lost that are still here, not worth just as much as those stuck in that tower?

John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

~Lord, I lay down my life before You. Do with it as You will. Let me live everyday with the knowledge that everyday is a gift. Let me never forget those that were lost, and those that sacrificed so willingly. Give me the courage to give of my life so willingly. Thank you for giving me life. I give you great thanks and praise for all things.~

Day 3

The effects of the fast have definitely been prevalent today. Headache, slight light dizziness, and feeling low on energy were all part of my day. I even took a nap this afternoon, woke up having had an interesting dream that I can only remember bits of and pieces. So far I have sustained completely on liquids. I will be going to purchase gum and or mints tomorrow to have on hand at all times, lest I offend someone with the horrid breath I have had today! I have brushed my teeth three times already today!

I woke up this morning remembering most of a dream I had last night. Here is what I can remember: I was in an athletic race of running and swimming, but I only saw the swimming portion of the race. I had been running and got to this river where there was dangerous things trying to get the people in the race. I swam my portion and I was up on a high bridge getting ready to move on to the next portion of the race when I saw down below someone struggling in the water. Some people (friends I believe) warned me not to help the person and to keep going on the race. I neglected to listen to their counsel and jumped off the high bridge into the water. I knew instantly it had been a bad idea and may have been a trap set for me. I tried to get to the other person to help, but knew that we were now both in trouble. Next thing I know there are these green snake like creatures with antennas on them. Actually there was only one that I could see I think. It attacked and bit me and then I woke up.

So that is my dream. I could apply it to things that have already taken place, but am also taking it as possibly a sign to be cautious of doing this again. How can we continue to run our race if we constantly jump off track trying to help others. It goes along with a prophetic word that someone gave me a week ago about the fact that the Lord saw my feet carrying others burdens for them also, and that I didn't need to do that anymore. That I needed to realize that the Lord would carry theirs as well as even my children's. We are meant to only carry our own and to run our own race. We can't run the race for other people. As much as we may want to sometimes, and as much as we may want to set the captives free, we are to see what the Lord is showing us in situations, and only come to the aid of others when He directs. So often I have had the desire to set people free when it wasn't the Lord's timing and I have regretted not heeding His restraint. ~Forgive me Father and guard me from making that mistake again~

So todays church message was really good. It made me think of a conversation I had with someone a couple years ago. Before I tell you the comment they made, let me first tell you that they are not in the same place today as they were when they made this statement. The comment they made was "I completely ok with mediocre." This was in reference to where they were in their walk with God. They are anything but mediocre now! Thanks be to God completely! Anyway, the comment struck me so much that I wrote it down on the back of a nearby envelope and put it in my Bible for awhile and prayed that this would change. I had heard that God would prefer us to be cold or hot rather than lukewarm, and knew that I had read something along those lines but could not recall where. Today we talked about it in depth at church. What the verses mean and why it says He would prefer cold or hot over lukewarm. Here is what I gleaned from today at church as well as from what I have been reading:

Scripture Reference REV 3:14 "To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:

These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God's creation. 15 I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16 So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

If you think about what happens to a piece of ice when brought out into a room and left for a period of time, it will eventually turn to room temperature. If you think about taking a coal or a burning ember and bringing it into a room and leaving it, eventually it will become room temperature. Eventually it becomes like it's surroundings. It becomes the temperature of everything around it. We are called to stand out in our surroundings. To not become the natural nature of all that is around us, but to walk with God in the spiritual. We are called to be the light in the darkness.

When Enoch was on the earth, it said that he walked with God. He litterally walked with God. (He was also the first human listed in the Bible to give a prophetic word.) Enoch was empowered by the presence of God to live his life in the supernatural aspects of God. Because of his intimate relationship with the Lord, he lived a life in faith of God's ability here on earth. Would we not do the same if we were able to walk with God? If we were litterally able to dwell in His presence would we ever doubt His ability or even consider the life of mediocrity? Would we not constantly live a life of signs and wonders? Would we not see things as He sees them and minister accordingly?

Throughout scripture we see the Lord giving revelation to His people in the supernatural. Noah was given not only revelation but a specific plan for saving the human race. Abraham and Moses, both received revelation from the Lord as sons of God about what they were meant to do in their life. Are we not His children as well. Did some point occur in history where He just decided that He didn't need to talk to His children anymore. That He was just going to sit back and let our feebile human minds try to decipher everything and handle things in our own strength? Did He all of the sudden decide to let everyone become lukewarm, when we very clearly read in that passage that He would spit us out of His mouth. How can so many well read, and educated people miss out on so much that is written clearly in the Word?

Look at this story in Scripture: JN 21:1 Afterward Jesus appeared again to his disciples, by the Sea of Tiberias. It happened this way: 2 Simon Peter, Thomas (called Didymus), Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, the sons of Zebedee, and two other disciples were together. 3 "I'm going out to fish," Simon Peter told them, and they said, "We'll go with you." So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing.

JN 21:4 Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus.

JN 21:5 He called out to them, "Friends, haven't you any fish?"
"No," they answered.

JN 21:6 He said, "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some." When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.

JN 21:7 Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, "It is the Lord!" As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, "It is the Lord," he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water. 8 The other disciples followed in the boat, towing the net full of fish, for they were not far from shore, about a hundred yards. 9 When they landed, they saw a fire of burning coals there with fish on it, and some bread.

JN 21:10 Jesus said to them, "Bring some of the fish you have just caught."

JN 21:11 Simon Peter climbed aboard and dragged the net ashore.

The other disciples had been unable to pull the net into the boat due to the weight and number of fish. Simon Peter climbed aboard and through faith and the ability of the Holy Spirit, single handedly dragged the net ashore! So often we read through Scritpure and miss out on the smallest details. Only by spending time with the Lord, and drawing close to Him do we remember His supernatural power and ability. Later on in the next chapter in Acts 1 we read :

I wrote about all that Jesus began to do and to teach 2 until the day he was taken up to heaven, after giving instructions through the Holy Spirit to the apostles he had chosen. 3 After his suffering, he showed himself to these men and gave many convincing proofs that he was alive. He appeared to them over a period of forty days and spoke about the kingdom of God. 4 On one occasion, while he was eating with them, he gave them this command: "Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about. 5 For John baptized with water, but in a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit."

We are called to not only be batized with water but by the Holy Spirit as well. But what does that mean? To so many the language of the Holy Spirit is completely foreign. And as with learning any foreign language, I have learned that it is one thing to learn the vocabulary, and a few phrases here and there, but to be completely fluent in a language, you must immerse yourself in a culture that speaks that which you are trying to learn. Hence my recent move to be part of a Spirit filled church. Spirit filled meaning that it's congregation truly seeks out meeting with God when they gather, worshipping Him, being equipped to do the work of the ministry, and to be strengthened and built up in Christ. A true New Testament church!

Eph:11 It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, 12 to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up 13 until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

God didn't sent apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors and teachers to do the complete work of the ministry. Theri responsibility was to prepare God's people for works of service. This is how the body of Christ is built up. How can we fill the Great Commission if only a few are doing the work we are all called to do? If anyone was capable of doing the ministry all on their own it would have been Jesus, and yet even He fed into 12 that were sent out to eqiup others. We are all sent out with gifts to build up the body, to further the Kingdom of God. How malnoursihed is the state of the church today if we are not doing what we are called to be doing? How distant have we become from what we have been made to do. In a new testament church, it was not only a home for the presence of God, it was also a learning center for the language of the Holy Spirit. People not only worshipped God in church but they were equipped to hear Him, and after hearing Him, they were able to give something to someone else to build them up. The congregation prepares their heart to come to church, to worship, and you came expecting to be equipped for ministry. You asked GOd to give you a gift to bring with you so that you might be used to strengthen someone else.

Think of the Bible, with it's foreign language, being a menu to eat from. When you are in a foreign country, certainly one of the first things you want to do is know how to order from a menu so that you may eat! Take that menu in it's foreign languge, and you can study it for years, learn the ins and outs of how it has been prepared, why it is in the order it is in, who wrote which part, how each compliments another part, and know every precise detail by memory. You can go to school and learn all sorts of things about the menu, and be able to teach others about the menu as well. If we never eat from the menu though, what good is it to us to have learned the language and study it for years? It must not end in the study of the menu, we must partake of what it says, what if offers for the betterment of the Body of Christ. So many are so close to the menu and yet so far from the meal.

1 Cor 8 To one there is given through the Spirit the message of wisdom, to another the message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, 9 to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, 10 to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues. 11 All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he gives them to each one, just as he determines.

At what point did we decide that this part of the menu was no longer being served or necessary? At what point do people willingly decide that they are satisfied with just glancing at the menu, perhaps memorizing a few of the entrees, and then putting it down without ever ordering? At what point did it become so expected to be luke warm, that we would think so little of ourselves to believe that God does not have food for us that He wants to serve us continually so that we might feed others? Why does the majority of the church body today, rely solely on the few that have decided to sit at the Master's table to dine with Him. Are we not His favored children as well? Can we survive knowing we are living off the crumbs falling from the lips of our teachers?

I want to feast on what the Lord has for me! If I fast and get that greater understanding, how much sweeter the food will seem on the other side!

end of day 2

so day two is just about over. i feel like i had my eyes opened to somethings today. oh what forgiveness we all need to give, sometimes even to ourselves. how horrid it feels to know u have intentionally or unintentionally hurt another in a way that has so wounded you in the past. i thank the Lord for the revelations that i received today. not sure if i can handle this everyday for the next 38 days though! but i pray that the Lord would do that, if that be what is needed for me to see things more clearly. in this fast, in must be a matter of heart and will. i wish to be like the prodigal son returning to the embrace of my Father.

i feel the hunger pains today, much greater than yesterday. fortunately there has been no headache, or loss of energy. this must only be the grace of God. i even excercised without feeling too horrible afterwards. for many years, doctors have prescribed fasts for health reasons to patients. it is good for bodily hygiene and it restores the body to an equilibrium. it is often said that after getting thru the first few days, that it enables people to need less sleep, to think more clearly, and work more efficiently. but true fasting must not be only the physical abstinence from food. it must also be accompanied by prayer always. to do the fasting without the connection with God would be pharsaical or worse. it leads, not to contrition and joyfulness, but to pride, inward tension and irritability. we are to remain in relationship and thankfulness toward God for the fullness of the fast to be experienced.

it seems now in the quietness of the evenings that i am regaining a time for myself that i had for quite sometime neglected. i am missing my friends, but i am realizing how much i missed this time with the Lord or just spent in solitude. i love being around people, but re-energize when i am alone. it has been quite refreshing and helpful to have this time when there is much to ponder! i think i will spend some more time with Him, and then go to bed! Goodnight!

Day 2

so i awoke to the interesting melody arising from my stomach! what a reminder of the necessity for God first thing everyday. i was reading today about another woman's ideas of fasting being like pregnancy and giving birth. how the physical changes occur, often with pain, but the end result is this beautiful, amazing gift from God. while the certainty of being blessed by such a gift is inspirational to give this fast my all, the duration and "stretching" that will occur seems a little daunting.

i have been prompted by the Lord to become completely vulnerable about all these experiences on here. not something in my comfort zone all the way. many years ago as a teenager i would write down poetry, and every thought in my journals. until the day that i discovered that not only had they been read by my one of my parents, but that they had made xerox copies of them. i felt so betrayed that it crushed me. after several hours in tears, i burned the copies, picked up the ashes out of the metal trash can and put them back in the large envelopes that had contained them, and placed them back where i had found them. needless to say, i was devestated, angry, and feeling completely unprotected. i feel like the Lord has moved me to be as completely real and open as i go thru this fast. to place myself at such a vulnerable position in front of some of the people who mean the most to me in the world is quite terrifying to me. that fear of rejection and betrayal is not one the Lord wishes me to continue to carry. it is hard for me to even admitt that they are present. i know this is because the roots are buried deep and need to be cut down and removed like the fig tree the doesn't bear fruit. it is natural for any child to want and need for their family to care for and protect them. to want that encouragement, acceptance, and validation. when the people that by birth, are supposed to give you those things don't, it becomes unthinkable that anyone else would. how easy it seems to walk through this life self reliant. how easy it seems to go through life without being completely vulnerable to people. to keep yourself tucked away, even if it is just part of you, so that no one can really do crushing harm.

so here it is... i have a place that very few have touched. where i go internally and tell myself that no matter what happens, i will be just fine. no matter who or what is in my life, i will make sure that i do whatever i need to and that i will live if they decide at some point to leave. i protect myself...light bulb moment here. i was just thinking of someone who told me that they were the way they were because they are trying to protect themselves, and that hurt me to hear. how horrid it is to think that i have aided someone in feeling the same way i have felt for years. especially when it is someone i have let into my world completely. oh Father, please forgive me for wounding one of Your children. i am so sorry. Lord, please do not allow there to be anything in me that would allow that to ever happen again. i will fast as long as needed for u to sift this and anything else out of me that would do harm to others. Lord, i beg of you to show me the things in me that need removal. no matter how wretched it seems. i am so sorry Lord. please do not allow that wound to remain in them as it has in me. please lead me in what to do to reconcile this wrong. ... (these thoughts would typically not be shared on here, but the Lord has prompted me to be completely open to whomever might read, so...)

so here i am Lord. use your sieve on me and refine me. keep showing me all that i need to see to become more like You. forgive me for the areas where i have fallen. let these tears cleanse and open my eyes. i am Yours to do with as You will.

the end of day 1

so here we are at the end of day 1! i must say the first half of the day went fairly easily. i did feel the need to pray through a physical reaction happening in my body that stirred up a physical memory imprint of what it was like when i was anorexic. mind u i would not be doing this fast if i had not gone thru deliverance that freed me from any tendency to want to go back to the disorder. i truly believe that it was a spiritual battle that the Lord gave grace to overcome. eating disorders start out as a control issue and since i have relinquished all control in my life over to God, everything is different. the person with a disorder controls one of the only, if not the only thing they can in their life. my disorder lasted 5 years, and has been over for more than a decade. i also have immense trust in my group of friends that if they ever saw reason to worry, that they would step in.

needless to say...i am a little hungry! it is one thing to go thru a fast and just avoid food altogether. it is completely different when u have to prepare food for other people while abstaining from it yourself. it's amazing how tempting one little pea can be!! actually, the temptation was not strong today at all. it was more of a training my brain to remember what i am doing and why.

today i learned a lot about God's compassion for us, and His desire to heal our wounds. in the original text, the word for compassion meant that there was a strong physical reaction from the stomach that moved with emotion toward the person(s). so when it said that Jesus saw the multitude and had compassion for them, He really was moved to a severe extent towards them. He is still that way with us. His compassion for us and who and where we are, exceeds anything we could imagine it to be. many people suffer under addictions, rejection, abadonement and God wants us to see and feel His freedom, acceptance, and presence. He is willing to do whatever it takes for us to receive that if we let Him.

look at how much of society is the way it is because of rejection. so many things come into our lives as a way of masking the pain of rejection. addictions and eating disorders definitely fall into that category at times. we all want desperately for that complete acceptance and validation. we look for it anywhere we can get it, until the day we realize the only place we really can get it is from God. then the true healing begins.

it even speaks of how in the end days the hearts of the fathers will be turned back towards their children and the children's to their fathers. that seems so far from where we are today, but we can rest assured that that day will come. the Lord will bring that to pass in the end days. how much more can we be released from now if we would work toward that end sooner rather than later. for if our identity truly is in Christ, then wouldn't our actions in this area be more Christlike in the healing and reconciliation that could occur. wouldn't it become easier for us to understand and step into our sonship having a better understanding of what it means to be a son of God.

if God says we are loved, accepted, and worth the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross...who are we to argue or negate the works of the cross by saying or living otherwise.

40 Day Fast Starts Today

I woke up this morning with Misty Edwards song Favorite One running through my head. "Jesus I am after Your heart, what are you thinking, what are you feeling, I have to know." What a beautiful song to sing.

So it is here. The beginning of a 40 day fast from all solid food. For those of you close to me, you know that this fast will be more difficult now, than the long term fasts I had done in the past. I feel the hunger pains now, where as before I did not. I thank God for that ability to feel the sacrificial reminder throughout the days to remind me of why I am doing this.

Let me first state somethings about why I am doing this fast. I have come up with a list of 40 reasons to do this fast. One for each day, and I intend to press into the Lord each day for more understanding into each one. I do not do this fast to get something from God, or get a greater position with Him. What a steep slope that is that people fall down when they attempt to get something from the Lord through fasting. We fast to give of ourselves to Him. We are giving up rights to ourselves and our appetites and fully relying on the Lord. Jesus did not fast in the desert to get a greater position or authority in the Kingdom. He was the Son of God just as we are sons of God. It is not a greater authority that we are achieving, it is a greater alignment with God and being in tune with Him to allow His Spirit to work His will in us and through us. Let us not be mistaken about who's authority it is when something is accomplished. It is not because of anything we do or legalistic rituals, it is because of the grace of the One working through us.

Galations 20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 21 I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!"

Fasting can be a time of expectant preparation. A season of repentance and fasting has to have a proper balance between the outward and the inward. The outward fasting involves physical abstinence from food and drink, but this is not the end in itself. For aesthetic fasting always has an inward purpose and negates the unity of body and soul. We are formed with the visible and invisible. Fasting should involve both always. There is a tendency, especially in our culture to over emphasize the outward rules about food in a legalistic way, and there is also a tendency to neglect rules as outdated and unecessary. Both neglect the truth we read in Scripture. Both extreme view points would hinder us. There has to be a balance between the external and internal. In the last 500 years people have steadily reduced the requirements of fasting until now where in some cases it seems merely symbolism. The reasons for this decline are varied, but certainly with the progression of our intellectual minds over the years there has become almost a heretical attitude towards our own human nature. There seems to be a false "spirituality" that ignores our body and sees ourselves soley in terms of our reasoning brain. This has resulted in many Christians having lost sight of the integral unity in which we were created as mind, body, and soul. We must not neglect the position of the body and the role it has in our spiritual life as well as our temporal lives.

Fasting is sacrificial in so many ways, not just abstaining from food. If you think about how many people out there are willing to fast for health or aesthetic reasons, how can we as the body of Christ be unwilling to do that for the sake of the Kingdom? Why is so difficult for us today, when it was an integral part of life for our ancestors? We have become such an instant gratification society, that the idea of going a day without entertainment, internet, let alone food is unthinkable to many.

St. Seraphim of Sarov was asked why the miracles of grace, so abundantly manifest in the past, were no longer apparent in his own day, and to this he replied: 'Only one thing is lacking - a firm resolve'.

The primary aim of fasting is to make us conscious of our dependence upon God. If practiced seriously, particularly in the opening days, involves a considerable measure of real hunger, and also a feeling of tiredness and physical exhaustion. The purpose of this is to lead us in turn to a sense of inward brokenness and contrition; to bring us, that is, to the point where we appreciate the full force of Christ's statement, 'Without Me you can do nothing' (John 15: 5). If we always take our fill of food and drink, we easily grow over-confident in our own abilities, acquiring a false sense of autonomy and self-sufficiency. The observance of a physical fast undermines this sinful complacency. Stripping from us the false assurance of the Pharisee who fasted, it is true, but not in the right spirit. Such is the function of the hunger and the tiredness: to make us 'poor in spirit', aware of our helplessness and of our dependence on God's help.

~i will write more later. if u have read to this point,(thanks!!) feel free to pray for me during the next 40 days! i feel blessed for what He is showing me already! today i am pressing in for growing closer in alignment to Him.~