unveiling
un·veil (n-vl)
v. un·veiled, un·veil·ing, un·veils
v.tr.
1. To remove a veil or covering from.
2. To disclose; reveal.
v.intr.
1. To take off one's veil.
2. To reveal oneself.
Noun 1. unveiling - putting on display for the first time; "he attended the unveiling of the statue"
presentation - the act of making something publicly available; presenting news or other information by broadcasting or printing it; "he prepared his presentation carefully in advance"
2. unveiling - the act of beginning something new; "they looked forward to the debut of their new product line"
debut, first appearance, introduction, launching, entry
commencement, start, beginning - the act of starting something; "he was responsible for the beginning of negotiations"
induction - the act of bringing about something (especially at an early time); "the induction of an anesthetic state"
product introduction - the introduction (usually by an advertising campaign) of a new product or product line
ushering in - the introduction of something new; "it signalled the ushering in of a new era"
naturalisation, naturalization - the introduction of animals or plants to places where they flourish but are not indigenous
i have spent a lot of time seeking out meanings for this word, and all of it's forms. the definitions above are just a sampling of what is out there and where the word is derived from. in recent days it has taken on even more meaning with me as i seem to painstakingly be unveiling things within. hidden beneath my past, emotions, and a self induced sanctuary are thoughts and expectations that life has taught me are uneccessary. life, not always being full of Truth, has sown misconceptions and misinterpertations of many things to which i am now discovering could be of benefit to see clearly.
as i sit here pondering what may be about to unfold onto the screen, i am cautioning those who might read with the following: i am a work in progress. much of what you are about to read is my way of processing things that i am going through at this moment in time of my life. it does not always offer a concrete indication of things, as emotions, situations and sometimes the amount of sleep i have or haven't had may play a role in what is shared and the way it is shared. clarifications are always possible.
hidden inside is the same girl i was many years ago, sitting on my windowsill, looking up at the sky absolutely certain that someone was watching me, even if i didn't know who. as i sit here now, i know Who, and yet now am left wondering so much more. alone i sat in that window looking out at the world, and here i sit opening a window for the world to look back at me. pushing hesitation, and i admitt fear as well, into the furthermost recesses of my mind i will attempt to devulge the revelations that continue to unveil who i think i was created to be.
it may serve purpose to describe who i have been, so that the metamorphosis can be fully understood in the end. at least i hope to understand it! to put it in simplest of forms, i grew up with an isolationist mentality. i was in a large family, raising myself on autopilot. i tended to my own needs, emotionally and physically. i constantly dealt with feelings of rejection, isolation, independence, and oppression. never feeling like i had a home, a safe secure place to rest, or a place where i belonged, an orphan complex was born. any of you with experience with an orphan complex, or with people who have been there understand that often this leads to having to learn how to see God as a parent when never really having earthly parents as a guide. even while teaching children, and even some adults how to see God as a Father, i am still learning there is so much more.
i discovered early on a joy in doing things for others. i wanted to make them happy, and please them. in my childhood mind i was doing this because i wanted to, it made me happy. i found no other greater joy. seeing smiles on others faces was wonderous. little did i know until recently that it isn't just in my nature to do acts of service for people, i was attempting to meet my own needs of wanting to feel wanted, appreciated, or even needed. so not only was i unconsciously addressing that i had a need, but i was unconsciously filling it at the same time to keep it hidden. enabling me to stay quite comfortably in my isolated world. i had developed a pattern of not placing expectations on anyone because i had learned that i could not trust them to fill that need. this didn't mean that i was unable to believe or trust others. i was unable to open myself up to others, especially when i didn't believe their motives or intentions were completely pure. trust is being open to others. it is risking being vulnerable, even when it hurts and all you want to do is isolate yourself. i am trusting now by writing this so some of you can understand what has been going on.
trust is foundational in healthy relationships, and when it is not present, pride, fear, independence and control issues are likely to appear hindering the ability to receive love and comfort from others as well as God. as God has been healing me in that area over the last 5 years or so, i had to learn submission to what the Lord was doing in me. the latin word submission means "to place yourself underneath and push up at the same time." Submission is choosing to be open, to be vulnerable, and honest in our relationships. It is an act of humility and receiving it releases God's hand in our lives to rid us from our fears and insecurities in realtionships.
because of the lack of a representaion of a godly, loving authority, i felt i could never risk being vulnerable, ask for needs to be met, or have a completely open heart to others. the end result being a very independent person. i subconscioulsly could not trust others so i would just handle everything myself. it seemed easier that way.
at least that's what i thought. all i was doing was masking my pain and hidden needs. the result of someone with an orphan complex is someone who has trouble receiving love, acceptance, and admonition from others and even God at times. especially when they have failed or believe others have failed them. receiving from others is like a foreign language to orphans, so true intimacy is work. while the work is healing for them, it is also grueling to learn as well. in discovering more of what it means to be a child of God, i have no longer attempted to keep distance when things go wrong as i did before. i no longer fear condemnation and try to handle the pain and disappointment myself. well....i might still be working on that whole not handling it myself bit, but i am getting there. it takes that foundational basic trust being restored daily to heal orphan wounds. it takes work to open yourself up continuously to others, when history has been indicative of detriment. the more we can press in and allow oursleves to receive love and compassion, the fear will then dissipate.
so how does one continuously open themself up to others, especially when they have done so and gotten hurt again. how does one assess what are healthy expectations of others, when they have never known the ability to place them let alone have them be filled. i have for years only placed expectations on myself. never asking for something for myself. i continued to do acts of service, and to be there for anyone who needed anything that i could help with. i gave and gave, because i honestly thought that was what i wanted to do because of a servants heart. i honestly did want to do those things, but was being dishonest with myself if i thought it wasn't for my own benefit and even security at times as well. it often left me somewhat bewildered when someone would do something, that i wouldn't dream of doing to them and how i didn't feel the let down or disappointment i knew they would've had in me had i done the same thing. it's a funny thing when u don't have expectations of others, how u suffer a lot less disappointment. the problem with that is, you rob yourself of the fullness and joy that can be in a healthy, trusting, Godly relationship.
so here i am now, on the other side of the window. i have an amazing family, amazing friends, and i am learning to ask for things from others. knowing full well i will get let down at times. also knowing, that the let down is not an indication of whether i am loved or not or whether i should love those who let me down or not. love is a gift freely given, regardless of what a person does or gives you. what more can we really want, than to be loved. i am loved and i thank u all who know who u are!
~this is the edited version. full version is on myspace for any of u who are on my preferred readers list.~
