Rise Up

2007 has come and gone, and very little of it did I spend writing on this blog. 2007 was a year of change, loss, disappointments, resolved hope, awakenings, acceptance, gut wrenching deliverance, and truth and beauty of the love of Jesus. This year started out in feeling unwanted and misunderstood by some I held most dear. It started feeling more alone than I had remembered in years. I had extended my heart and my life to some that seemed to only care when I was of use for them. When I was no longer of use, I was no longer valuable. I understand now, it is not quite so black and white. Life happens. Seasons change. People are different and opperate differently. I have been let down, and I have let others down. Had my eyes always been open to seeing the way these things were before I came to that place, I would have realized I would be of no difference, and it was wrong of me to expect things to be different with me purely because of how I felt towards them. My heart aches over this still. I fear sometimes that it always will. How blind love can make us in any relationship...and how it can seem to ache in places we didn't know existed.

God said "Come" tho, and that is what I have done. I have come to Him clinging like a little child who has been hungry for years. Desperate for a morsel of anything that will bring life again. In searching for life and answers, God brought about healing and change. I sought out the depths this year, determined to be rid of all that was not the way it was supposed to be. I am certain of this tho, I will not achieve this, this side of heaven, but I will determine to be as hungry as needed to search out his smallest seed. There is so much of me that is not as I would want it to be, but I am learning to be ok with where I am, knowing that I am now continually moving forward.

I can hear my Father saying His heart is broken over the things that have broken my heart. He has seen the trials that have come and He has seen the tears, hurt, and rejection and said where no man can know where you are and how you feel...I know. Where no one can see the depths that have been kept inside, I am there. For surely He knows the hardness of men's hearts in these days and so He knows the loss that is truly felt. He draws me near and out of the aching that surrounded my year. He has drawn a line in the sand and said, from this day forward I declare I am doing a new thing in your life. It is time to cast aside what has gone on before. For this season has come and gone, and for you, the past must be put aside.

I have forgiven in my heart those that have wronged me, as well as myself for the wrongs I have done. I have dedicated myself and this next year to God, and His desires for me. I have rid my heart of any ill feeling so that the Holy Spirit could reign over me and my life. It is a new day and a new season in my life. The old is gone and the new is here. I am liberated from my past and shall be radiant with joy this year. God has not forsaken or abadonned. A great shift and great healing in this next year has come. It is time to step into the destiny that awaits! So I am taking His hand, turning from what was before, and running after hope, life, love, and His plans for me! I will Rise Up!!!

vulnerable

when did being vulnerable become a weakness? when did we allow life's hardships determine who we were? when did that become okay? i'll be the first to say that i am the way i am, because of the path that has led me here. i'll also be the first to say, i don't want to stay this way. to do that would to allow satan to win another battle without me even fighting. God loves us where we are, but He loves us so much He isn't going to leave us here in our mixed up views of thinking. He loves us enough to restore us to the conditions that we were meant to be in. sometimes, most times, that is a lot easier said than done.

life leaves us jaded, skeptical, mistrusting, superficial, and independent. we were created to be open, optimistic, trusting, real, and dependent on God. we were made to be vulnerable to Him and others so that we may be formed into His likeness. especially as women, we are meant to understand there is a great strength in our ability to be vulnerable. we are not weak or feeble by exposing our vulnerable side. any of you who have ever experienced any severe hardships in life, know how much it can take for someone who has trained themselves to survive to then become vulnerable around others. fear, mistrust, and self preservation almost always kick in. that is when the defenses go up, and we are altered.

to let one's guard down completely is to surrender to trust. not in the person you let it down to. not into the situation you find yourself in. but trust in the One who is completely Soverign. the One who was with you in those moments that shaped you the way the world wanted you. the walls must come down. people must be let in. if we are to truly become who we are meant to become, we must allow life, in all it's harsh and not so harsh realities to come into play. remaining true to who we are and who we were created to be.

how then can we choose to live a cynical life, isolated, and mistrusting and call it any kind of life at all? how can we be in friendships and marriages and not be able to be vulnerable to the other person. how much harder would our path need to be to shape us then. we would be going against the current, instead of using our inner strength to swim with it.

unveiling

unveiling

un·veil (n-vl)

v. un·veiled, un·veil·ing, un·veils
v.tr.
1. To remove a veil or covering from.
2. To disclose; reveal.
v.intr.
1. To take off one's veil.
2. To reveal oneself.

Noun 1. unveiling - putting on display for the first time; "he attended the unveiling of the statue"
presentation - the act of making something publicly available; presenting news or other information by broadcasting or printing it; "he prepared his presentation carefully in advance"
2. unveiling - the act of beginning something new; "they looked forward to the debut of their new product line"
debut, first appearance, introduction, launching, entry
commencement, start, beginning - the act of starting something; "he was responsible for the beginning of negotiations"
induction - the act of bringing about something (especially at an early time); "the induction of an anesthetic state"
product introduction - the introduction (usually by an advertising campaign) of a new product or product line
ushering in - the introduction of something new; "it signalled the ushering in of a new era"
naturalisation, naturalization - the introduction of animals or plants to places where they flourish but are not indigenous


i have spent a lot of time seeking out meanings for this word, and all of it's forms. the definitions above are just a sampling of what is out there and where the word is derived from. in recent days it has taken on even more meaning with me as i seem to painstakingly be unveiling things within. hidden beneath my past, emotions, and a self induced sanctuary are thoughts and expectations that life has taught me are uneccessary. life, not always being full of Truth, has sown misconceptions and misinterpertations of many things to which i am now discovering could be of benefit to see clearly.

as i sit here pondering what may be about to unfold onto the screen, i am cautioning those who might read with the following: i am a work in progress. much of what you are about to read is my way of processing things that i am going through at this moment in time of my life. it does not always offer a concrete indication of things, as emotions, situations and sometimes the amount of sleep i have or haven't had may play a role in what is shared and the way it is shared. clarifications are always possible.

hidden inside is the same girl i was many years ago, sitting on my windowsill, looking up at the sky absolutely certain that someone was watching me, even if i didn't know who. as i sit here now, i know Who, and yet now am left wondering so much more. alone i sat in that window looking out at the world, and here i sit opening a window for the world to look back at me. pushing hesitation, and i admitt fear as well, into the furthermost recesses of my mind i will attempt to devulge the revelations that continue to unveil who i think i was created to be.

it may serve purpose to describe who i have been, so that the metamorphosis can be fully understood in the end. at least i hope to understand it! to put it in simplest of forms, i grew up with an isolationist mentality. i was in a large family, raising myself on autopilot. i tended to my own needs, emotionally and physically. i constantly dealt with feelings of rejection, isolation, independence, and oppression. never feeling like i had a home, a safe secure place to rest, or a place where i belonged, an orphan complex was born. any of you with experience with an orphan complex, or with people who have been there understand that often this leads to having to learn how to see God as a parent when never really having earthly parents as a guide. even while teaching children, and even some adults how to see God as a Father, i am still learning there is so much more.

i discovered early on a joy in doing things for others. i wanted to make them happy, and please them. in my childhood mind i was doing this because i wanted to, it made me happy. i found no other greater joy. seeing smiles on others faces was wonderous. little did i know until recently that it isn't just in my nature to do acts of service for people, i was attempting to meet my own needs of wanting to feel wanted, appreciated, or even needed. so not only was i unconsciously addressing that i had a need, but i was unconsciously filling it at the same time to keep it hidden. enabling me to stay quite comfortably in my isolated world. i had developed a pattern of not placing expectations on anyone because i had learned that i could not trust them to fill that need. this didn't mean that i was unable to believe or trust others. i was unable to open myself up to others, especially when i didn't believe their motives or intentions were completely pure. trust is being open to others. it is risking being vulnerable, even when it hurts and all you want to do is isolate yourself. i am trusting now by writing this so some of you can understand what has been going on.

trust is foundational in healthy relationships, and when it is not present, pride, fear, independence and control issues are likely to appear hindering the ability to receive love and comfort from others as well as God. as God has been healing me in that area over the last 5 years or so, i had to learn submission to what the Lord was doing in me. the latin word submission means "to place yourself underneath and push up at the same time." Submission is choosing to be open, to be vulnerable, and honest in our relationships. It is an act of humility and receiving it releases God's hand in our lives to rid us from our fears and insecurities in realtionships.
because of the lack of a representaion of a godly, loving authority, i felt i could never risk being vulnerable, ask for needs to be met, or have a completely open heart to others. the end result being a very independent person. i subconscioulsly could not trust others so i would just handle everything myself. it seemed easier that way.

at least that's what i thought. all i was doing was masking my pain and hidden needs. the result of someone with an orphan complex is someone who has trouble receiving love, acceptance, and admonition from others and even God at times. especially when they have failed or believe others have failed them. receiving from others is like a foreign language to orphans, so true intimacy is work. while the work is healing for them, it is also grueling to learn as well. in discovering more of what it means to be a child of God, i have no longer attempted to keep distance when things go wrong as i did before. i no longer fear condemnation and try to handle the pain and disappointment myself. well....i might still be working on that whole not handling it myself bit, but i am getting there. it takes that foundational basic trust being restored daily to heal orphan wounds. it takes work to open yourself up continuously to others, when history has been indicative of detriment. the more we can press in and allow oursleves to receive love and compassion, the fear will then dissipate.

so how does one continuously open themself up to others, especially when they have done so and gotten hurt again. how does one assess what are healthy expectations of others, when they have never known the ability to place them let alone have them be filled. i have for years only placed expectations on myself. never asking for something for myself. i continued to do acts of service, and to be there for anyone who needed anything that i could help with. i gave and gave, because i honestly thought that was what i wanted to do because of a servants heart. i honestly did want to do those things, but was being dishonest with myself if i thought it wasn't for my own benefit and even security at times as well. it often left me somewhat bewildered when someone would do something, that i wouldn't dream of doing to them and how i didn't feel the let down or disappointment i knew they would've had in me had i done the same thing. it's a funny thing when u don't have expectations of others, how u suffer a lot less disappointment. the problem with that is, you rob yourself of the fullness and joy that can be in a healthy, trusting, Godly relationship.

so here i am now, on the other side of the window. i have an amazing family, amazing friends, and i am learning to ask for things from others. knowing full well i will get let down at times. also knowing, that the let down is not an indication of whether i am loved or not or whether i should love those who let me down or not. love is a gift freely given, regardless of what a person does or gives you. what more can we really want, than to be loved. i am loved and i thank u all who know who u are!

~this is the edited version. full version is on myspace for any of u who are on my preferred readers list.~

Way too long!

It has been way too long since I have blogged on here. My apologies to the readers who have inquired. I have been on an interesting road these last several weeks. God is doing so much, and I am certain I haven't a clue as to what the totality of it is yet! I have decided that I need to write on here everyday. The goal is to write 1000 words a day, but I am not sure that I will fulfill that quota or that I will even count the words that are typed! If anyone feels led to keep tally, feel free to let me know if I come close!

I am so blessed to have the Father in heaven that knows me as only He does. I am awe struck at times by the things He shows me. The depth and clarity only He can bring is overwhelming. It's like Christmas everyday. (Which is only 49 days away, and I do insist on all my friends coming here for the festivities starting in 51 days! That is a seperate blog tho!) The gift He gives us everyday, by allowing us to feel His presence is the most tranquil abundant honor. Time is without boundaries in these moments. The whole world ceases to exist, except what the Father is sharing with you. How lucky we are to live a life where heaven can invade our mere mortal existence. His love and Spirit seem able to penetrate to our core with but a whisper of a still small voice.

write more later on tonight!

Day 9

There seems to be so much going on internally these last couple of days, that it is very easy for me to stay in that place of introspection, and not post. I will try to journal here as well, as much as possible.

I went out for the first time really since being in SC last night. A friend had come thru town and we all went out. It was good to be in conversation with someone in front of me rather than just via the phone, which has been the majority of my conversations lately! The kids had a good time, and we went to see a movie that I had wanted to see for awhile. It was the story of Vince Papale becoming a Philadelphia Eagle. (for those friends who tease me about liking sports, that is a football team!)

It is your typical story of a no name, under dog going after his dreams, using the God given gifts he had been given, and fulfilling a calling on his life. So often we push aside our dreams, and have a failure mentality. We don't see anyway that our dreams could actually come true. We forget though, that the Lord knows our dreams long before we do. He knows what we are capable of doing, and what we aren't capable of doing, He can provide us with. Vince was 30 before his dream of playing for the Eagles came true. How many others see 30 and say there is so much I should have done by now, but it is too late. Too late for who? Or is that just an easy excuse to not go after all that you feel called to do in this life. Make a promise to yourself to go after whatever it is you have always wanted to do, and do it. Don't do it unless you are really committed to following through with the promise though. So often people make promises to ourselves, and even to God and do not fulfill them. It is better to be uncertain, than to committ to something and not follow through.

ECC 5:4 When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. 5 It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it.

When we are moved to make a vow before God, it usually entails something that is impossible for us to accomplish without Him. It usually reveals our weakness, and our dependence on Him. Why not come to Him with the really big stuff? When we see His hand in the lesser things so evident, why not ask for and trust Him with the greatness of our callings and desires. If we were to make things happen in our own will power, what need of Christ would we have. Where would His glory shine in the story of our life if we could force our destiny into occurrence?

So what do we do? We come to terms of what we really want out of life? We realize our dreams, seek out our callings, and vow before God with our whole heart to follow that dream and lean on His strength to see it achieved. We give Him all the glory, for without Him, none of it would ever be possible. We choose at whatever age we are, that this is the year to go out for the team.

To steal a line from the movie: Tommy: Even if you're down there for an hour, you're down there.

How many of us would give up a life of mediocrity, for one hour of being completely what God has called us to be? How many are ready to get up off those uncomfortable sideline benches?

God is holding open try-outs, are you going?

Spiritual Gifts

"And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ." Eph 4:11-12 (NKJV)


The office of the Prophet is different than the gift of Prophecy.


The spiritual gift of Prophecy is found in spiritual Gifts.


1 Now concerning spiritual gifts, brethren, I do not want you to be ignorant:


2 You know that you were Gentiles, carried away to these dumb idols, however you were led.


3 Therefore I make known to you that no one speaking by the Spirit of God calls Jesus accursed, and no one can say that Jesus is Lord except by the Holy Spirit.


4 There are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit.


5 There are differences of ministries, but the same Lord.


6 And there are diversities of activities, but it is the same God who works all in all.


7 But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to each one for the profit of all:


8 for to one is given the word of wisdom through the Spirit, to another the word of knowledge through the same Spirit,


9 to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healings by the same Spirit,


10 to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy,

to another discerning of spirits, to another different kinds of

tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues.


11 But one and the same Spirit works all these things,

distributing to each one individually as He wills.


1 Cor 12:1-11 (NKJV)


Pro`phet´ic
a. 1. Containing, or pertaining to, prophecy; foretelling events; as, prophetic writings; prophetic dreams; - used with of before the thing foretold.

Proph´e`cy
n. 1. A declaration of something to come; a foretelling; a prediction; esp., an inspired foretelling. 2. (Script.) A book of prophecies; a history; 3. Public interpretation of Scripture; preaching; exhortation or instruction.

Proph´e`sy
proph·e·sied, (-sd) proph·e·sy·ing, (-sng) proph·e·sies (-sz)
v. 1. To reveal by divine inspiration. 2. To predict with certainty as if by divine inspiration. 3. The function or vocation of a prophet; specifically: the inspired declaration of divine will and purpose.

v. intr. 1. To reveal the will or message of God. 2. To predict the future as if by divine inspiration. 3. To speak as a prophet as a mediator between God and humankind or in God's stead. 4. Archaic. to teach religious subjects.

Proph´et
n. 1. One who prophesies, or foretells events; a predicter; a foreteller. 2. One inspired or instructed by God to speak in his name, or announce future events, as, Moses, Elijah, etc. 3. An interpreter; a spokesman. 4. (Zool.) A mantis. School of the prophets (Anc. Jewish Hist.) a school or college in which young men were educated and trained for public teachers or members of the prophetic order. These students were called sons of the prophets.

Proph´et´ess
n. 1. A woman who speaks by divine inspiration or as the interpreter through whom the will of a God is expressed. 2. A woman predictor; a woman soothsayer. 3. The chief spokeswoman of a movement or cause.

Se´er
v. 1. One that sees an invertebrate seer of sights. 2. Clairvoyant, visionary, illusionist. n. 3. A prophet. 4 a: one that predicts events or developments b: a person credited with extraordinary moral and spiritual insight or knowledge; a wise person or sage who possesses intuitive powers c: one to whom divine revelations are made

Day 6 & 7

The last two days have seemed very long! The fast has definitely taken a lot of energy out of me the last couple of days. I have definitely been leaning on the Lord! He is so gracious to always meet the need too. I have spent a lot of time in prayer these last couple of days. Things have arisen with Samantha's shunt that I am uncertain about. This is on top of some other uncertainty in situations, and I feel as if the enemy is trying to steal my peace. The only thing that makes me want to do though, is get even closer to my Father! He will guide me, not my circumstance. He will see to all our hurts, and all our needs. I am completely confident that He always has things with Samantha under control! After all, she is my little miracle child, but first she is His little miracle child.

Some of the profound revelations I have been having this past week, seem life altering. I sit before the Lord and feel like I have soooooo much to learn. I do have sooooo much to learn. I feel the Lord's hand on me in a way I have never felt before, and I am so excited about what He is doing. There really and truly is a time coming for unity in the body of Christ. We are all going to be brothers and sisters of one family, with the head of the family directing our paths. We will see the face of the Kingdom change in our days in ways most never dreamed of. He will pour out on His people all that is needed in the last days. It is time for us to get on our faces before the Lord and learn. Learn all we can about who He is and who we are in Him. To wake up everyday and ask what do You want of me today Lord? What would You have me to do? Where are You moving me today? What is on Your heart Lord?

Our Father wants to share so much with us. All we need do is ask. He will show us. Amos 3:7 He does nothing without sharing it with His friends, the prophets! Are we listening? Are we really seeking His face and His voice? Or do we just want to hear about what He is doing out there as opposed to paying attention to who He actually is and what we are because of Him.